Monday, December 29, 2008

Modern Teens and Sex: Refreshing Thoughts from America's Most Trusted Scribe, Part One

Looking back on my teenage years, I'm reminded of two guiding motives that pushed my confused skeletal frame through high school hell. These were:

1. I need to get laid (the sooner the better), and will do anything to do so.

2. If I have sex before marriage, I'll consign my soul to endless damnation. So, I better not stuff the purple tube steak in the aromatic meat sleeve.

You see the conundrum, don't you? While my adolescent hormones were driving me toward damnation, my still somewhat Catholic conscience said, "Do you really want to spend an eternity in hell, Craig? Remember: Eternity means FOREVER."

(Un)Luckily for me, sex was merely a dream for my scrawny ass during those public school years. The battlefield remained solely mental until my seventeenth year, when the opportunity came for me to emulate my porn hero Ron Jeremy.

I'm only kidding. I never had a porn hero. But Ron was nice enough to take a photo with me. Thanks, bud.

Back to the subject at hand: When the chance came to take little Craig out for his inaugural spin, we'll just say my physical demon beat the Christ out of my conscience with his tremendously engorged phallic member, (in fairness, my conscience made a serious comeback AFTER the act. Only a ham sandwich could calm my turbulently boiling gut).

Today's teens aren't going through anything different. The moral conflict has only shifted, becoming more publicized with technological advances. Still, we have two moral extremes, mental and physical, fighting one another for attention and supremacy.

On the mind side, we have Joe Jonas of The Jonas Brothers, literally wearing his vowed virginity on his finger in the form of a purity ring.

On the body side, there's a study stating 20% of teens have published nude photos of themselves online.

In part two, we'll discuss purity rings and abstinence. In part three, I'll look at some nude photos... ahem... examine the teenage... well, there's just no right way to say it: We'll check out the teen nude photo phenomenon. In part four, we'll bring abstinence and pornography together and attempt to reconcile the two... or maybe I'll just mock everything and sum it all up.

Part two: Coming soon.