Friday, October 24, 2008

Woe is Me: I Don't Live in The Real America

I don't wear snowshoes or go snowmobiling. I've never hunted an animal and have not the slightest idea how to field dress a moose. Wasn't born in a small town and don't live in one, either.

According to Sarah Palin, I'm not a "real" American.

At a campaign fundraiser in North Carolina, Palin said, "We believe that the best of America is not all in Washington, D.C. We believe that the best of America is in these small towns that we get to visit, and in these wonderful little pockets of what I call the real American, being here with all of you hard working very patriotic, um, very, um, pro-America areas of this great nation. This is where we find the kindness and the goodness and the courage of everyday Americans. Those who are running our factories and teaching our kids and growing our food and are fighting our wars for us. Those who are protecting us in uniform. Those who are protecting the virtues of freedom."

Regardless of what sense this special little chestnut may or may not impart on rational minds, one thing is clear.

I'm not a real American.

After all: I don't grow the food or run the factories (factories? We've still got factories in the US?) or teach the kids or fight the wars. Worst of all, I live in a city. Ergo, I'm not patriotic or pro-American. According to young Palin, the "real" America lies elsewhere: In bumpkin small towns Al Qaeda could give a shit less about.

As if this dipshit's actions weren't enough, the Republicans continued touting their "'real' American, 'fake' American" theories on any media outlet that would give them a platform. On Hardball, Minnesotan mongoloid Representative Michele Bachmann said, "I wish the American media would take a great look at the views of the people in Congress and find out: Are they pro-America or anti-America?"

Ladies and gentlemen, we at long last have a qualified successor to Senator McCarthy. And what the fuck is a "great look"? Do tell, Bach-MANN.

And at a McCain campaign rally, North Carolina Republican Representative Robin Hayes said, "Liberals hate real Americans that work and accomplish and achieve and believe in God."

WHAT?!? Alright, enough is enough, dickhead. Let me tell you what Liberals hate.

Liberals hate being the most educated, rational, and tolerant individuals in the country. We hate making all the money in our big elitist cities. We hate being the economic engines that keep America moving. We loathe being important enough to warrant terrorist strikes, and hate the unjustified war wrought in the name of 9/11's victims.

Most especially, we hate going through the election process. Because we know, no matter how smart we are and how much time we put into making an educated choice, the "real" Americans will choose the next President. And, let's face it: The "real" Americans are mostly intellectually stunted troglodytes who base their decisions entirely upon unimportant hot button issues, like race, gender, religion (or lack thereof), sexual orientation, gun control, abortion, etc.

There is no place for their knee-jerk politics. Yet their reactionist tendencies are what time and again decide major elections.

We Liberals hate knowing. As Byron said, "Sorrow is knowledge. Those that know the most mourn the deepest. The tree of knowledge is not the tree of life."

If only we could be "real" Americans. Life would be bliss.

Thursday, October 23, 2008

A Moratorium: Ginormous

This week, I recommended a moratorium on the word "ginormous". This fusion of "gigantic" and "enormous" is the single most retarded word "created" in recent years.

I hate the word. I hate seeing it on the page. And I absolutely hate hearing it spoken.

When a word like "large" or "huge" would work just fine, some moron goes ahead and whips out "ginormous". The word goes over as well as that Thanksgiving dinner when Grandpa decided to drop trou, whip out his one-eyed warrior, and attempt to baste the turkey with his octogenarian man nectar.

Who am I kidding? That was hilarious!

Anyhow, my big problem with "ginormous" is the sound of it. When I hear it, I think vagina.

In fact, "ginormous" should only be used to describe The Vaginormous: A somewhat apocryphal cavernous vagina monster that eats men whole. Supposedly, The Vaginormous lives in Queens. She likes cuddling. And men. Did I mention she eats men?

So, let's dump this "ginormous" bullshit. The word shall never again appear in this blog. It's dead. Gone.

However, The Vaginormous may make another appearance. I'm trying to get an interview.