Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Stupid Things Bartenders Do

Not long ago, I stopped in at the local public house and asked for a Guinness draft.

What I received looked something like this cutesy-poo pint to the left.

"What's this?" I asked.

"It's a Guinness." The bartender answered.

I shook my head. "Tsss... not the beer. This," I pointed at the doodle in the foamy head.

"Oh that. That's a shamrock." She seemed upset. "Can't you tell?"

"I know what it's supposed to be. What I want to know is why you put it there."

"Oh, it's just something I do." She said. Then she turned her nose up and waddled on down the line to the next customer.

I was so pissed. She should've just gone ahead and drawn a swollen furry penis on my draft. At least that would've been funny.

Before I could take a sip, a friend of mine arrived. He took one look at my beer and exploded in laughter.

"Hahaha... what are ya? Queeah?" He slapped me on the back. A slightly inebriated couple to our left started cracking up. "Seriously. Shamrocks in the Guinness? What kind of moron does that?"

Just then, the bartender arrived.

"That kind," I muttered.

Drawing shamrocks in the Guinness is one of those unnecessary things bartenders do, akin to a chef using his penis to whip your potatoes.

Ok... it's not exactly the same, a bartender sketching a clover in your draft and a chef using his man meat as a kitchen utensil. No matter. Unless I request the goddamned shamrock in my Guinness, I don't want it.

Put it this way: I don't need a fucking shamrock to remind me that Guinness is Irish beer, just like I don't need a lime to remind me that Corona is Mexican beer.

Rather, I need the lime because Corona is bad beer. Therefore, the lime is a necessity. The shamrock is not.

This unnecessary critique also goes to the troglodyte at the Catwalk who tossed half an orange in a pint of UFO, brought it over to me and told my bewildered eyes, "The orange really brings out the citrus tones."

Citrus tones? More like shitrus tones, after I catch dysentery from tongue-kissing a half rotten orange and end up stuck battling the hershey squirts all evening long.

So bartenders: Take it from someone who worked behind the bar. Unless you're slinging drinks at some classy martini joint, keep the fruity accoutrement to a minimum. And if you're thinking of putting some dumb design in a pint, or tossing a slice of orange into a perfectly good hefeweizen, ask first. 9 times out of 10, the answer's going to be no.

21 comments:

Don'tYouEverTurnItOff said...

"More like really brings out the hershey squirt dysentery tones,"


Good stuff, haha. The last two times I've been to Catwalk, the beer was just horrible. The Killians tasted like puke.

little erin said...

ha! too funny! i would have laughed my ass off if a bartender said "thats just something i do" regarding the clover. maybe you should bring her a medal or something. i totally agree. beer is to drink, not decorate!

beth said...

That bar tender should probably go work at Starbucks, huh. There she can draw pretty little chocolate syrup flowers on the whipped cream topping someone's nonfat latte....

I agree - mixing mashed potatoes with penis is not quite the same level.... but is endlessly fun to picture.

chick.a.dee said...

Beer should not be pretty. Ever.

Craig said...

nothing quite like pukey killians. the catwalk has been on my shitlist for quite some time.
and yeah, imagining the swedish chef from the muppets stirring some mashed potatoes with his muppet penis has me cracking up. that crazy swedish chef!

Anonymous said...

I hope I never ever meet any of you grotesque joyless empty-headed pigs. Then again, you're anti-social losers, so no chance there.

Fuck off and eat your own shit and drink your own piss if what others produce isn't good enough for you spoiled little twats.

I'm glad there's a permanent record on the internet so that everyone will know what special douchebags you are.

Anonymous said...

Wow! Did it make the guinness taste any different?
Did it actually physicall turn you gay? Did you find yourself attracted to your homophobic friend when he arrived?
NO?
well then shut the fuck up and drink the beer and stop whining like a little girl.

Pathetic.

Anonymous said...

You're a douche. Get off of your high horse.

Anonymous said...

Geez she just tried to put an extra touch. Get over yourself

Anonymous said...

So the bartender's attempt at adding a little flair to their service and make a menial thankless job more interesting results in insult and belittling? It says more about you than the bartender.

Nathan said...

You sound like a fucking wanker mate. I think it's an nice thing you dick head.

Anonymous said...

Crikey, someone got out of the wrong side of the bed! There's nothing wrong with Shamrocks, it doesn't make the Guinness taste any different and just adds a bit of light heartedness to a long shift of pouring pints. Get over yourself, it's only a bit of fun and I find a lot of customers like it!

Anonymous said...

if the shamrock, initial or what ever is drawn in guinness sinks into the head and stays there you know its been poured properly, you should know that guinness should always be poured in two pulls, the second of which is poured alot slower to allow the head retention, the picture in the top is a good thing cause you know it was done properly. If i had served you and you said that, your second drink would be one pull, no cobra head and in a warm glass..

And beer is pretty.. SOOO much time and effort has gone into perfecting brewing. All beer deserves to be served properly with the utmost care and pride...

Craig Stratford said...

Just so you know Guinness stout not a beer !!!

Anonymous said...

Sad little man. Go and do something worthwhile with your life. Hopefully it doesnt last much longer as people filled with such negativity as you are oxegen thiefs for the rest of us.

Anonymous said...

Where I come from you would be called A Langer, and rightly so.

Anonymous said...

I did it. I miss those days. Whateveva.

Unknown said...

What a twat you are.

Unknown said...

What a twat you are.

Anonymous said...

Yeah you suck the fun out of everything. I bet you asked to split the bill 20 ways. You are a twat for sure

T. Mont said...

Good Shout Bartender! excellant!