Saturday, October 18, 2008


This morning, I nearly got into a fistfight with some 14-year-old at McDonald's. What a fucking mess.

I know what you're thinking. I'M the asshole, picking fights with 14-year-olds. But hear me out.

I'd ordered a couple Egg McMuffins and a coffee. Was given my change and receipt. Then, I stepped back a few feet from the counter to wait.

A hashbrown came with my meal. I wasn't excited about that. They're always greasy and taste like rotten ass. I planned on feeding it to the ravenous gulls in the parking lot when I left.

As I stood there, this young kid, black, about six inches shorter and 40 pounds lighter, comes up to me and stands about a foot away, facing me. Staring me DIRECTLY in the eyes.

Now, this is Fall River, Massachusetts. Such behavior is typical for this town and I should be used to it. But I'm not.

Personally, I think the entire city should be razed and the populous turned into Soylent Green. At least then they'd prove themselves useful, by providing fellow humans with sustenance. But that's neither here nor there.

So, I turned, trying to avoid the kid's intense glare.

The insolent fuck followed my every move! He didn't even smirk or smile. Just stared at me!

I was unbelievably uncomfortable. This fucker was being such an absolute prick, I just knew I'd have to blast my forehead into his jaw to teach him a lesson, forcing some poor mentally disabled McD's employee to mop up 14-year-old blood and teeth from the brick red tile floor.

I'd had enough. "What the fuck is your problem, kid?" I asked. I'd already prepared myself for some cocky answer from the kid, and picked out this huge whitehead on his chin for my headbutt target. My plan was to kneel low and drive up, using the strength of my legs to drive my skull through this kid's jaw. The confrontation would be over before it really started.

In a flash, this tremendously obese white woman comes from like ten feet away and bullrushes between us like mama hippo protecting her young. Then, she gets close enough to kiss me and spits all over me, "What the fuck is YOUR problem, DICK?"

"This fucking kid is my problem." I answered. "Staring at me. Breathing that stank breath all over me like a social retard."

She sucked her teeth at me. "He IS retarded, asshole." Then she dragged the kid off to the counter. Their order was ready.

Funny. He didn't look retarded to me.

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