Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Stupid Things Bartenders Do

Not long ago, I stopped in at the local public house and asked for a Guinness draft.

What I received looked something like this cutesy-poo pint to the left.

"What's this?" I asked.

"It's a Guinness." The bartender answered.

I shook my head. "Tsss... not the beer. This," I pointed at the doodle in the foamy head.

"Oh that. That's a shamrock." She seemed upset. "Can't you tell?"

"I know what it's supposed to be. What I want to know is why you put it there."

"Oh, it's just something I do." She said. Then she turned her nose up and waddled on down the line to the next customer.

I was so pissed. She should've just gone ahead and drawn a swollen furry penis on my draft. At least that would've been funny.

Before I could take a sip, a friend of mine arrived. He took one look at my beer and exploded in laughter.

"Hahaha... what are ya? Queeah?" He slapped me on the back. A slightly inebriated couple to our left started cracking up. "Seriously. Shamrocks in the Guinness? What kind of moron does that?"

Just then, the bartender arrived.

"That kind," I muttered.

Drawing shamrocks in the Guinness is one of those unnecessary things bartenders do, akin to a chef using his penis to whip your potatoes.

Ok... it's not exactly the same, a bartender sketching a clover in your draft and a chef using his man meat as a kitchen utensil. No matter. Unless I request the goddamned shamrock in my Guinness, I don't want it.

Put it this way: I don't need a fucking shamrock to remind me that Guinness is Irish beer, just like I don't need a lime to remind me that Corona is Mexican beer.

Rather, I need the lime because Corona is bad beer. Therefore, the lime is a necessity. The shamrock is not.

This unnecessary critique also goes to the troglodyte at the Catwalk who tossed half an orange in a pint of UFO, brought it over to me and told my bewildered eyes, "The orange really brings out the citrus tones."

Citrus tones? More like shitrus tones, after I catch dysentery from tongue-kissing a half rotten orange and end up stuck battling the hershey squirts all evening long.

So bartenders: Take it from someone who worked behind the bar. Unless you're slinging drinks at some classy martini joint, keep the fruity accoutrement to a minimum. And if you're thinking of putting some dumb design in a pint, or tossing a slice of orange into a perfectly good hefeweizen, ask first. 9 times out of 10, the answer's going to be no.