Who Cares?

So, Michael Phelps likes to hit the bong every so often, and I'm thinking BIG FUCKING DEAL! This was the dude who, against all odds, managed to win 8 goddamned gold medals, legitimately, without the help of steroids, blood doping, HGH.

This is the man who had a nation bursting with pride at his accomplishment. Yes, the USA may wrongly think it can do whatever it wants on the world stage. We can invade Iraq without UN backing. We can choose to ignore the Geneva Convention in the name of the War on Terror. In the eyes of the world, we may seem little better morally than the "terrorists" we torture, but hell: Only AMERICA could produce a swimmer of Michael Phelps' stature. In the swimming pool, AMERICA can do ANYTHING. And there's nothing the world can do about it! Take that, France!

Look at us now: A country once so grateful for Phelps' accomplishment has become a nation of critics. How could Phelps, such an icon to American youth, break their hearts?

More importantly, How could the swimmer do it by smoking that hated Mary Jane?

Because, guess what: After the Athens Olympics, Phelps got busted for a DUI. The reaction to that little misadventure: Somewhat ho-hum. But now that he's smoked a bong, the anti-drug chickens have come home to roost.

They say: We're ashamed of you, Michael. How could you do this to us, Michael? How could you do this to the children?

I say: Have you no shame? This is the man who brought America glory at the Olympic games. This is the man who makes your kids care about swimming, a sport nobody cares about. This is the man who may singlehandedly destroy childhood obesity!

Ok. Maybe that's going a bit far. But who the hell cares what he does in his off time? Man smokes a bong, and you're ready to crucify him? Are you shittin' me?

Let me tell you something, you critics. With each passing day, we grow nearer to legalizing the herb. So get used to it. Soon enough, you'll see men walking down the street smoking bongs, and there'll be nothing you can do about it.

As for you, Michael: Smoke on. And don't apologize to anyone. You shouldn't feel guilty for smoking a little bud. You're 23-years-old. Smoking pot's the natural thing to do at that age. So, toke up while you can, buddy. London's only three years away.